What You Didn't Know About The Badgers
by Cad2u
Summary: Slytherin: Sly,cunning, Pure blood. Gryffindor: Brave, heroic, headstrong. Ravenclaw: Intelligent, Imaginative. Huffpuff: Loyal, trustworthy, sadistic... One-shot


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Sorry Chuck.

They think they know us.

Loyal, kind, bumbling Hufflepuffs. Or, as we like to be called, the Badgers.

Too weak to fight or defend ourselves from anyone else. Not even from poor Hagrid's flobberworms. Gryffindors heroically save us from venomous snakes. Slytherins darkly liberate us from bloodthirsty lions. Ravens glide overhead informing us of upcoming battles with perfectionist tabby cats or billowing vampire bats. We, meanwhile, standby as the simpering princesses in distress awaiting our dragons to be slayed.

Free labour we call it.

"He's intelligent." _Ravenclaw!_

"She's so sly!" _Slytherin!_

"He's confident." _Gryffindor!_

"Aw! Isn't she sweet! Look she just tripped up!" _Hufflepuff!_

Oh please.

Stereotypes are so fun to mess with. Who challenges those residing in the house of the loyal and trustworthy? It so obvious that **all** of them **must** have those qualities. Has it never occurred to them to question our motives? Ha, the brilliance of mental blindness. Fools.

Gossip-mongers. Those who control the information flow own the school. How you ask? Well, let's say a certain group of extremist Gryffindors are told about a supposed Slytherin plot to mass prank them. Or, offhandedly of course, a quick-to-judge prejudice Ravenclaw hears someone mentioning an escape plot or an illegal duel in the forest. A perfect feud with all sides trying to win over the neutral or undecided. Why kick someone in the balls when you can have them eternally licking the dirt from your shoes?

Slytherins. Can you get more obvious? What are people going to expect from members of a house known for cunning, backstabbing and blood purity? No-one will trust them truly except themselves. Why do they believe that limiting themselves to the house of the dark will help them reach their high ambitions? Sigh…

Ravenclaw. Smart and intellectual. Great on a resume, sucks for a social life. If knowledge is power then why is Steven Hawkins a muggle?

Gryffindor. Brave, heroic, pure essence of light, headstrong and most bloody likely to charge into battle and get their heads blown off. Tasty, stir fried lion. Not that cannon-fodder isn't needed mind…

We have the act right down to the way we faint, terrified, as our joyous work is revealed, by proxy obviously, to the rest of the world. Beautiful, gullible and innocent on the outside. Rotten to the core. Those who object are soon turned once they feel the power and pleasure that is gained from deceiving the rest of the world. Who knew Professor Sprout could kill a fly one hundred meters away without even blinking? Or that her head is an archive of forbidden and mesmerising spells. The contortion curse had me fascinated for months. I never knew it was possible for someone to twist their head three hundred and sixty degrees and reverse their shoulder joints.

Green and silver, red and gold, blue and bronze, yellow and black. Black, the only shade to represent opposites at the same time. Black, the colour of total control, of writhing chaos. Reminds me what history of magic would be like with the **real** history taught. Not some nonsense with Slytherin disrupting everything. No, it was the ultimate manipulation. To succeed in seducing the two most powerful men on the planet at that time and to ensnare the only one who could possibly stop you with innocence and false devotion. Gryffindor and Slytherin. Best friends, powerful friends. Two men, one seductress. The most perfectly crafted feud since the beginning of time. And who do you think was there to pick up the pieces? To keep the ultimate deception ongoing. Pure Lady Hufflepuff of course. Attaching red lacy underwear and a leather bull whip to a malfunctioning time turner causes the strangest occurrences. But then it was meant to happen or it wouldn't have. Simple. It had nothing to do with the rather horny people I share a dorm with.

And me? I am no one of consequence really. Just remember this: Next time you look into a crowd of people to pick out the gullible, innocent faces, remember that they could be just another sadomasochistic, seductive Hufflepuff being.

The pleasure of corrupting little firsties will never grow old...


End file.
